This has been posted on Mastodon here
I’ve been out as poly and trans (and bisexual) for a while now, and this brought me interesting (I think) thoughts about coming out and acceptance.
Globally, superficially, it was much more complicated with transidentity. Some people close to me refused to name me or gender me correctly, told me what I experiences was wrong or could not exist, etc. But gradually, most (not all) of those people changed their mind. It was long, it was fucking tiring for me, sometimes painful or intense, but I really find their attitude, discourse and thinking about me (and, often, transidentity in general) changed and I’m quite confident in their support.
With polyamory, it’s about the opposite. It was not ever really painful or difficult; nobody ever told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t be poly (I know some people lived that, it’s just my experience). But still, there were some differences. Some mono people were (and still are) completely okay and comfortable with me being poly; I have them meet my lovers, talk with them about my love life, etc. But for some others - mostly older people in married couples - I sensed… something. Their superficial discourse was the same (some variant of “Okay, that’s your choice, do what makes you and your lovers happy”) but underneath there was reluctance, fear, distance, something defensive. And usually, this didn’t go away. Nearly six years after rebuilding my relationship life around polyamory, the people with whom I felt this awkwardness still have it (even though most of them genuinely accept my transidentity). They don’t ask me much about my lovers, tend to change subject when I mention them, that kind of things. And except if I make the situation change, I don’t see it changing. And I think I understand why.
Transidentity is a minority experience of gender. As we sometimes say, cis people don’t wish they were trans, and most people do not question their gender in anything else than the most cursory way (“Yes, of course I’m a man/a woman! That’s me, I could not think of being anything else.”). And because of that, transidentity can be puzzling or incomprehensible to them, which can alienate them from us and lead to a lot of transphobic shit. But if and when they manage to open their minds to the idea, cis people can quite quickly find that they can be supportive without it changing anything for them. “Yeah, so there are those people who have this weird experience with gender, that I don’t understand, but they’re clearly happier when transitioning, so we should support them for that. It has nothing to do with my experience or my life, why would I object?”
On the other hand, being attracted or being in love with multiple people at the same time, this is an achingly common and shared experience. As an example, many, many people in mono relationships who cheat on their partner will claim they still love them dearly and don’t want to lose that relationship - and I think most are absolutely sincere here. Many people, maybe even most, have multiple crushes, fall in love with multiple people at the same time, or all the other beautiful nuances of human affection, interest, romance and attachment, at least once or a few times in their lives.
The difference between polyamory and mono relationships is simply how you (and your partner(s)) deal with those situations. I’m certainly not claiming, or thinking, that anyone who falls in love with multiple people or has multiple crushes should be poly, this is each person’s choice to make and I’m convinced that for some people being mono is the right choice, but that’s it: the choice is on the table. Or at least it can be, if people are aware that there is a choice, that polyamory exists and is a viable option (or many diverse options, actually).
Cis people won’t start questioning their gender and transitioning just because you’re trans. (If they do, they’re not actually cis ;) ) But polyamory, that may make people question their lives, their past and present choices. Especially if those were not true free choices but simply following the default behaviour, or the social expectations. And many people hate that, or at least fear it. That could disrupt their life balance, their relationship, reopen old wounds.
And yes, that’s what I sense most in those older mono people who are uncomfortable with my relationships : fear. Fear that if they start talking with me about my multiple relationships, the way it will mirror their own - past or present - experience will bring something painful or disruptive. In a way, I’m making them insecure, and indeed, I tend to find that the firmly mono people who are the most accepting about polyamory are those who have a healthy relationship functioning and are secure in their relationship if they have one.
And that’s why it’s so difficult to fix: it is about them, not about me. Explaining my experience won’t change anything to that, on the opposite sometimes. The only thing I can see helping is more casual polyamory everywhere; in public discourse, in the media, the news, in works of fiction, etc. So that people are exposed to it anyway, so that their choices can be free choices, and my choices become just my choices and not some sort of scarecrow that will threaten their balance and way of life.
>> Home